Agree with you about 3) -- I think I also need to reread my critiques the day before and make sure all of my important in-text comments also get written down in my cheat sheet at the end so I don't have to page through looking for bits of my critique.

I love the excerpt! For some reason it reminds me of Firefly -- the tone, maybe. But I reread the sentence that starts "Dilys almost resigned herself into a pout..." a few times and still couldn't understand it -- are you possibly missing a word in there somewhere?